Sleeping at Work - How to Do It

Office Hours (def): The excruciatingly boring period between 9 AM to 5 PM on weekdays, where a normal human brain refuses to stay focused

Oh damn, it’s that time of the day again. You’ve just had channa-bhatura for lunch and you’re trying too hard to not drop your WMDs on the office. After all it’s bad manners to rouse sleeping colleagues. You strive to stay awake, try to work; the appraisals are just round the corner and you better nail it this time. But how do you stay awake and pretend that you’re working anyway?

We bring to you five farmulas that will help you make pretending to work a cakewalk.

• Formula #5:  Try the oldest trick in the book. Act busy to look busy. Step one: Walk around the office like the devil is after you. Wear a frown on your face, pace up and down the aisle and scream into your cell-phone. Routinely yell “I do not wish to hear any excuses!” Although this might lead your office waalahs to believe you are talking to your disobedient teenager, this would totally work. Next, sit on your chair and heave a sigh and cup your palms together to rest your chin on. Don’t overdo this step lest people around you think you got silicone implants on your cheek by mistake.
• Formula #4: This formula will help you not only make mince meat out of your office hours but also be the apple of your boss’ eyes. Remember the most annoying kid in school, the teachers’ pet? Volunteer to do all the out of office work for your boss. And once outside office, traffic is your alibi! Make your boss believe that you are the traffic God’s most hated child. So, if you’re out of office premises work takes a couple of hours to finish, have another hour or two as the traffic ‘excuse’ time. And after a good four hours of ‘hard work’, there really isn’t any point going back to office for a ‘mooh-dikhai’, is there? In all possibilities your boss might just ask you to take the rest of the day off! Farmula successful? *Evil Laughter*
• Formula #3: Open a word document and type frantically into it and routinely lean back into your chair to exhale a noisy sigh. Minimise a browser with all your social networking sites open in tabs. Type in all your status updates, blog entries, tweets, etc on the word document and Ctrl+C, Ctrl+V. PS: Make sure you do not have colleagues on your Facebook account. Keep in mind to use this farmula (the word document part) especially when your superiors are around you. Flash them a sad smile now and then that makes them feel sheepish about you having to slog your backside while your other colleagues disturb you by snoring.
• Formula #2: While we are at surfing the net, let us whip out a special farmula for whiling away time online. Keep a couple of work related tabs open on your browser. To be on a safer side, open the stock exchange website as well. Next, surf the web to your heart’s content but keep an eye out on that snoopy colleague in the next cubicle. As soon as you see someone approaching, change the tab! Simple, innit? Not exactly. Even if the approaching snoop cannot see your desktop, they can see your face. Master the art of keeping a straight face at all times and add a couple of dejected and frustrated expressions from time to time. Voila! You have a simple yet effective farmula! 
• Formula #1: Ta Da! All you game lovers twiddling your thumbs in the office, take heart; there is an array of flash games online that gives one the impression that you’re working or working on improving your ‘productivity’ and balderdash like that. Yes, seriously. While the teenager inside you was pining for new games with awesome graphics to play on weekends, they invented games to play IN the office!

That’s all the top formulas you can use to pretend you’re working when you’re actually, you know, thinking of painful ways to make your boss pay for all the miseries he’s ever put you through. We could have named the story ‘5 Ways to Improve Productivity in Office’ but we wanted you to read the entire thing rather than keeping just the tab open.